2019 started out kind of crappy for our family. Our beloved little love bug Beans, our grand-kitty crossed the rainbow bridge to Heaven. Unexpected and heart wrenching, we were devastated as we hospiced him for only a few days before he passed. We had Beans for about 11-12 years, our son had him for about 4-6 years 
Beans was a dog or a person more than he was an ordinary house cat. He talked all the time. He would tell us when to go to bed, and if you didn't, Wow! He would meow and meow and meow until you did. He would sleep in-between us always touching my husband Wayne and me at all times. He would wake us up, follow us to the shower, scratch on the door if you were in there too long and tell us when to feed he and our other cat. He could open doors, close them when he was told to do so, and come to you on hand signals. He was an amazing friend and confidant. He always wanted to be with you, touching you or right in the middle of what you were doing at all times. As the pictures depict, from greeting you, to napping, wrapping presents, 
putting up the Christmas decorations, hugging Wayne while he was getting loved on, watching my yoga video, or even fighting for my yoga mat while I was still on it, he was our one of a kind. Our hearts were completely shattered. Who knew how his loss would impact us.
Two and a half weeks later my husband Wayne, pictured here with Beans, was getting ready for bed and didn't feel well. Long story short, he had a mild heart attack. You don't have time to react, you can only respond with bare, raw instinct. Wayne didn't want surgery at the first hospital, he said he had no confidence in them and it was his life. So against doctors orders we got in our truck and I drove him about an hour a half away, to a bigger hospital in Tucson.
I was numb, this is where survival mode kicked in on my part, to just get us there safely and without any more complications. He had surgery the following morning, Thursday, he was discharged on Friday, and went back to work, light duty on Monday.
I am trying not to be a helicopter wife, but the thought of the potential loss of Wayne was painful and is terrifying.
I am trying to be strong, I have been told I need to care for myself or I can't take good care of Wayne, so I am hoping that this blog entry will help with all the hidden emotions I have and can't really show.
I am so grateful that I have a faith that was never shaken. I do not question, I only praise Him for who I believe has allowed me to have all that I have. Strength comes from within, I had to call upon that and many of my praying friends to help me through this. These things separately would have been enough, but together is, well, a lot. I will continue to be strong and eventually this will sting less.
This has been needless to say, a tough few weeks and my sparkle is a bit dull.
I am simply trying to breathe and remember how blessed that I am to have had this life and the amazing people (Beans and Wayne) in it. The privilege of being able to share their lives has been quit the journey of fun and love.
This blog this week is to say: We will face tragedy. It is absolutely fine to feel loss, pain, confusion and sorrow.
Don't let people get to you that will say things like "It was just a cat" or "He went back to work he is fine" time does march on but there is an aftermath of grief and left over pain, feelings that may need to be released, and you CAN take the time to do that.
I find time for me on the elliptical machine and weights help me burn up the extra energy I seem to have. I have had an extremely hard time getting back on the yoga mat as I can see, feel, and smell Beans there, it was our thing to do, so I have some emotional work to do with that.
I am not really talking much to others about these things, because I don't have the energy to repeat the stories over and over. I will... just not right now. I am taking large amounts of CBD Oil to help with the extra anxiety I feel even after the fact.
TRUTHFULLY, I'M STILL REELING FROM ALL OF THIS!
I am still listening to Wayne breathe every night and worrying when he is at work, but I will learn to manage this as time goes by, it's only been six days to this point. I hope that this can help someone else out there, that may be going through a loss, person or animal, and you just needed someone to say "ITS OKAY TO GRIEVE" any loss is still a loss. Take care of yourself, and know there are others that understand, you will get through the sting and then you can focus on the joy you had when you got to be with them.
I hope you have a wonderful day, and Thank You For Listening.
REMEMBER TO BREATHE!
~Toni~
REMEMBER TO BREATHE!
~Toni~
